self pity is bitter sweet.

i hate feeling like this but lately its gotten worse... people have been asking me alot more often about my age... im 18 im going to be 19! but no one can tell.. every thinks im still in high school... im looked at as though im just a stupid freshman girl who's overweight and a freak.... i try not to take it personally i try my best but it still hurts... i see my friends be girly and look cute and they have lives they do thinks... and im stuck like this... but im trying to change im going to do something about my weight issue... but i still wnt be pretty.... chris keeps trying to tell me different... what do i say to that? i know how i look i know how i feel and even tho i love him to death.... it doesnt really matter what he tells me.... im just not pretty... and i have a bitch for a personality....every one tells me that when im older and everyone looks older than they really are i'll look younger... but they say that cuz they dnt know how badly it feels when everyone around you is growing up and looking their age and becomming who they are... while you are left behind. i cnt express how much pain wells up in me when i see this happen... i have issuses with abandonment... and frankly i know i shouldnt.... i didnt even know him but it always pops into my head.. saying" look they are leaving u too... he must have been right not even to bother sticking around and now they see what he knew before he even met u" and i cnt tell anyone that its bothering me i feel like i cnt or i'll hurt my dad and i dnt want that... but what do i do? i wnat to change i want to be some one important. i wasnt even supposed to exist but i got the chance... i want to take it... but im not them... who the fuck am i? who is this stupid person i keep worrying about.... ? i barley evn look like a girl... let alone feel sexy or pretty... im so sick of this, and i hate crying yet tears come anyway.. im going to bed... sleep is easy... and i dnt have to remember what i look like when i sleep...

Conversations with myself

i am a self created monster... i push people away... cuz i know i'll hurt them... i dnt know why i get so angry. i dnt know why, at the drop of a hat that i go insane im told over and over that the anger runs in my family but i dnt think so i think its just me... its just me trying to be mean trying to hurt and punish... i can see my self doing this too... i want to stop i want to run i punched the wall today till i cried... get them out of my life or i will take them down with me... is this depression this feeling of hate that courses threw my veins? this feeling of loneliness that chris doesnt even seem to fill... im fighting with doing the right thing and the wrong thing. my skin smells of rotting guilt.. get them out of my head... make them stop... whats wrong with me? fix me! make it stop,... i dont know how much longer i can hide it... dnt let them see please... please dnt let them see what i am... ive done the best i could.. right? im trying! im sick... this has to stop it will kill me or i will kill myself before it gets out of hand... the things ive written down to get them out of my head they are still there.. waiting for the chance to torment all hope is lost for me.. this cancer will not be destroyed... help me... some one help....

Is it Halloween yet?

life kinda sucks... cocos had a seizure i might have a sinus infection i feel like crap and i still dnt have my homwork done... i really dont like math... but ill get a good grade on that quiz... which is good... me and chris had a heart to heart on his schooling and i hope he does well and is able to help support us... im so tired... its not cool... so i found another jaw bone today... of a muskrat or rodent of some kind which is really cool. chris took pics and is gonna upload them to facebook! yay!!! i cnt wait for halloween im excited!! i has my costume!!! its cute!! im nervous about the party tho.. im not used to stuff like that. but ill manage plus chris will be with me... which is always good.. well thats about all ive got to say i guess...

Warning Tickets, Birth Control, and Nosy sisters

today is not my fucking day... first i kept getting cut off on my way to school. it must have been "drive like an asswhole day" then when i get to class i learned that i failed my first ever college test... so i had to deal with that then... as im driving home not doing anything wrong i get pulled over!!! i have never been pulled over! ever. i wasnt speeding or watever... no i got pulled over cuz i dont have a front plate on my car!!! but the good thing was he was a nice guy and gave me a warning... i was ready to cry tho... and it still gets better! so i go home and tell dad but before i can tell him why he jumps down my throat and is like "you were speeding werent u?!?!" but he didnt yell at me... now my bitchy sister did. shes screaming for me as im on the phone with mom she needs a ride to practice... well ok so i get in the car and she picks up my ticket like shes god almighty and has a right to the information. i pulled it out of her hands and said "its none of ur business." i was so hacked... and now im a home and have burned my hands.... yay me...

A Dog called Dammit

thats what i want, i want a dog i can call Dammit... Coco is so old we r afraid she wnt last the week... her arthritis is so bad she can barley sit... shes my dog too and im gonna miss her, but theres already talk of getting 2 new dog when coco finally passes... i wanna name one of them Dammit... but that wont fly i dnt think... theres so much on my mind right now its hard to get all thoughts in order.. poor chris just got pulled over hes so upset he may be failing english and this job he landed at Petland sucks. that doesnt help much... im not sure what to do... i dnt want this to b a reoccuring problem he needs a degree... but he struggles but wnt tell me... i know im not the brightest but i can help... i feel as if my inside r in a pressure cooker my ribs crack under the force and my organs sizzle till they r overcooked... i keep have these nightmares but all i remember when i wake up is that im angry hurt and very lonely... theres one dream that i do remember tho.. im in a horrible cell like operating room and im screaming in pain... i beg over and over that i just want to go home i want my mom and theres blood everywhere. somethings in the room with me i can feel it crawling and dragging across the floor, my eyes r weak and i cnt turn my head no matter what i do and then i feel my ribs being forced apart very very slowly,and i just scream and cry and beg but what ever or who ever wnt listen and the last thing i see when i wake up is my mom, she looks tired and worn and i scream and scream but she wnt hear me. i hate that dream... it wnt leave me alone and the very thought of my mom now makes tears come to my eyes.. shes not sick or hurt... i just cant seem to get past this.. i have the strongest bond with her and i think im having anxiety when it comes to moving out and stuff... i guess... every time Hey Soul Sister by Train plays on the radio.. i start to cry and get really upset cuz thats moms favorite song... but i love it too... i just wish things were so dam complicated and that i wasnt so angry all the time.. i feel like im always either angry, paniced,or very stressed... never happy... well almost never... Chris makes me happy... and i like work and school... i like being in the environment which is y i guess i dnt understand why chris has such a hard time.. sure its alot but its very do-able. i think i realized that my thoughts on Erin who hasnt talked to me for weeks and yes i was very angry when i wrote my last blog but i wnt applogize i ment what i said, tho i could have been less harsh... i know i get like that... i guess im hurt and i dnt like being hurt,i feel as tho ive been abandoned but i know thats not true i push ppl away... and i dnt try to fix my mistakes cuz im a proud person with very little self confidence.. i figured that in all my attempts to bait her i was accutally trying to ellicit extreme anger... some one prove me wrong yell at me tell me im so stupid and hurtful that i dnt deserve to live, let me b the victim for once... i keep asking myself " what r u trying to do by talking to her? r u out for friendship or punishment?" i know the answer and i dnt... cuz i dnt want it to be the answer... i feel torn tho.. like im hurt and there for im angry and i want them to know it yet im HURT and i want to cry and be told that its ok mistakes happen... but what if no one is willing to forgive me... im a lunatic and theres no garentee i wnt fly off the deep end... i come from a long line of women who are like this... including my mom and aunt... if fact its more likely to happen cuz its been established that i will be allowed to simmer in my anger and left to self destructive habbits..... i have a feeling that no one cares... no one is interested in my self loathing too busy to care. either that or they hate me enough to think "ha let her die let her rot in her own filthy sickness" ive pushed ppl away and Christopher is the only one perhaps besides my mom to stick with me. idk how he does... i can be set off by the stupidest of things.. and can gentle one minute and a rabid animal the next... how can this boy, who struggles in life stay with the one person who is as dangerous and as violent as the sea...? he amazes me and i wish others cared like he did and that they didnt expect me to just suck it up and b a leader... but yet i dnt like to follow.. so what am i? do i lead do i follow? should i isolate myself??? wat am i doing?

im a bitch, whats it to ya?

ok so i need to get this off my chest.. and im not in the best of moods at the moment so i dnt really care if i offend anyone but no one fucking reads this anyway,either that or they dnt have the balls to leave comments which ever i dnt care. here is what is on my mind: My so called "Best Friend" is a douche bag!!! there i said it for all of the internet to read...i think its funny that she blocked me on facebook... which is almost sad in a way cuz thats would b the only time i see her face ever. except maybe at work but if thats the case i avoid her like the plague. and just to get the record straight. i pity her. like no tomorrow do i pity her and shed be like "excuse me? u pity me the girl whoes normally jealous of all my friends?" and id say yes, because you have all these friends yet u stick and hang on the one idiot who makes u BORING AS FUCK!!! U ONLY DO SHIT WITH HIM CUZ THE REST OF US, MAINLY ME, ARENT GOOD ENOUGH. so yes i fucking pity the bitch and its evident she really doesnt care. Amanda and i were talking the other night and i told her what was going on, its nice to have some one to talk to who cares... anywho, she saw the douche bag in the break room and asked her how i was.. well she told amanda we didnt talk anymore and Amanda was a bit taken back. and when i told amanda of the email thingy i sent to this girl she laughed cuz she knows my temper, we grew up together pretty much and my temper is legendary in their house.. hell anyone who really knows me should understand that i have crazy anger and i can hold a grudge till it kills me. i dnt like ppl with out spines, grow up and learn to fight cuz i want to beat the snot out of you and not do it with one hand...now would i really hurt someone? well that really depends on the situation and if i cared enough to keep fighting. maybe i should try to be more understanding, when me and chris started dating i pretty much ignored ppl too but no one had the guts to do anything. no one came tome and was like "uh hey stupid-fuck u wanna come do something with me? cuz at the moment ur being an asswhole" i would have been like ho shit they're right!! and i love work and school. i talk to ppl its tough but i can manage i might get a bit stressed but i know how to handle myself and chris has gotten good at getting me relaxed and calmed down. which is good otherwise i might explode... im gonna go i feel better now

Have a plan? Crap... neither do I...

So things have calmed slightly,but im a busy high strung violent girl just trying to get threw life. so Jewel gave me weird hours but thats cuz im going to MI this weekend!! so i work tomorrow and tuesday and im kinda bummed that im working at night. 6-10 then like 4 to 8 i think ive got to check... oi.. but im so happy for chris!! he gota call bac fora 2nd interview!!! he needs the money, im worried abt him... as for my school work ifi just keep at it i think ill b ok... crap its late i g2g not that anyone reads this...

Don't grow up too fast, or life will hit you in the face with a frying pan.

so my life is full of really big ups and really big downs and since i dnt really have a friend to talk to ill write it in this blog for the whole god damed world to see! hooray for lack of privacy! so i took my sister dress shopping the other day and chris went with us... and i started looking at wedding dresses kinda joking that if we are going to get married this is what i want my wedding dress to look like and he said that i should ask his mom to make the dress well that kinda threw me cuz i was like but that would be weird wouldnt it? and he was totally serious and we got talking and it turns out he really wants to get married!!!!! MARRIED... I was like really?... to me? were talking about me right? and he was totally serious and was bummed abt the fact that i didnt want to get even get engaged till 25... things change and when he said that my heart fell out of my chest and i think i kicked it down the escalator into some lady's face... i was so happy i didnt care if he proposed to me right there with a rubber band for a ring i would have said yes. he seemed excited and really wanted to plan things out so that they were perfect. i know it wnt be for a while cuz he doesnt have a job but i could be engaged by the time im 20 which kinda is really exciting.!!!but we wnt get married till we r done / nearly done with college... that will be the hard part... then yesterday i was hanging out with chris and he wasnt having the best of days and i felt bad. he was really upset of past regrets and then said something that really floored me... he said that he felt that he should regret not staying in touch with hannah, the slimy bitch who was like a past girlfriend but not really and is still totally in love with him, but that he didnt want to and i nearly burst into tears, does he still have feelings for her? he wants to get married yet regrets not staying in touch with a girl who he really liked 8... yes 8 years ago!?!?! im confused and lost and just not happy i want to love chris and spend my life with him idk wat to do... who do i talk to? who will listen? my best friend doesnt seem to exist any more and i cnt start up a conversation i dnt know wat the fuck to say... except y me?

Let the rains come, they will wash away the stains

i feel like my mood matches the weather. idk wat threw me into this funk but it did... last night i skipped class to go see Parachute perform which makes me feel guilty. its only one class i just normally dont skip. i forgot to punch in at work today... made myself feel like the biggest idiot alive thank god Sandy and Nancy were nice to me abt it saying theyd fix it... alot of things happened to me at work today. i was bagging and i saw a man dressed in a tux like he was getting married, which he was. and he looked so nervous. part of me suddenly couldnt wait to get married but i felt that if my husband to b were nervous id get upset. like weve been together for how long and ur nervous abt this? its not an extreme change ya know? thats just me.... then there was a man who came threw my line who knew very little english and i dnt think my checker understood that cuz she teased him and he didnt seem to understand. i felt bad for the man and i wanted to scream at this checker... it wasnt fair to him he didnt understand... i hate that when people make fun of me because i dont understand or i made a mistake... i dnt like doing that to other people. its wrong. im just tired and my calves kill.. i went running barefoot the other day which was fun. ive been trying to get used to my life and so far its just kicking me in the ass...

let me go, hide me away, things here have gone a stray...

i want out of here... i want to go some place where i wnt be known. people wnt know how crazy i really am. chris wants to go with me and i cnt think of a better person to travel with. i want to hide away in a big city and disappear. i could go to work doing odd things hitch hiking my way around with chris at my side. life would b a constant adventure. wed get a map and make our way up north then maybe slide down the west coast and bac again... i love snow i dnt want to b away from the cold for too long. we could head to the east see the ocean and then on to New York and New Jersey... wed learn to fight with the best of them... keep each other safe and warm... i know we could he loves me... maybe wed settle in our favorite city and see how old family is..wed show them that we did it we did as we said we would.... things here are feeling lost and forgotten like ive forgotten something very important but its been so long that wat ever it was has lost its status.. things feel dead and dry as old bones in the desert so brittle they crack and shatter into dust. am i holding on to wat was simply because i cant face my future? or am i a part of those memories that no longer have a place in this world except for in old photographs? i no longer can tell....

stupid people make me cry... well not really.....

so yesterday was my anniversary with chris.. 2 and a half years!!! omg crazy!!! we didnt do much but we did dance to a song that i love. but i was just thinking about how dumb people bring me down so easily.... or get me really angry. watevr the case i just wish they had talked to me, but no even when we fight they dnt talk to me directly except maybe through txts... im still in my "i-wanna-ring-ur-neck" mode which if left to fester on its own can b a dangerous thing. ive got work today 230-630 which is cool cuz itll give me something to do...i got movies and new music on my ipod!!! yay me!!! owl city is so good to listen to andi got rocket to the moon bac on my ipod thank the lord... i was dying without it. chris thinks my odd and weird ability to be able to almost have a song fully memorized by the 2nd time ive heard it is cool.. which i dnt understand cuz i thought every one could do that.... but i guess not.... im excited for our double date with zach and his girlfriend it may be a bit awkward but i dnt care i think id rather double date with zach and them any day then feel really weird being with erin and brian... major discomfort... but hey we arent friends any more!!! YAYNESS!!!! i dnt have to deal with that... sweet right? i think so... well i g2g ive got things to do before i go to work...

the theory of people

so i think i know one reason why me and my now ex friends didnt get along. we are just different breeds of people. the way i was raised had to do with a lot of that. i hate video games plain and simple. i think they teach kids to be lazy and how to b bored. well guess wat is a favorite pass time of the ex friends? so much so i thought id die of brain rot we just think so differently. erin thought that we were best friends but my definition of a best friend is way different than hers. so i guess im over it now i was really angry abt this whole thing i kept punching door frames and getting so tense but now im cool with just letting them go. i feel as if my thought processes are different i dont feel as if i belong with them anymore. i was an outsider in a group of outsiders. this is my opinion my half of the story. ihave a feeling this was for the best. im free... free of hurt, free of feeling like i was stepping on egg shells when i was around them. and i think that atm they are at a britney spears concert... which is the funniest dam thing ive ever heard!!!! dude that sucks and im glad its them and not me. and just to get this off my chest cuz i think that if i dnt ill want to keep thinking abt it... i saw one of erin's profile pics of her and brian kissing at when i first saw it i thought they were 2 boys kissing and i was trying to figure out which one of my friends was gay... oops... lol... my bad....XD

scared? you should be....

so college has started and life gets better, chris and me are still together thank god idk wat id do with out him. im finding new people and things to do that dnt bore me to tears. evn tho ican feel the anger that drives me. life will normalize itself and i can b happy. i was at the book store a half hour ago with chris... i keep telling him that if he bought me the book store id self combust with happiness. but he wnt.... :< alas he has no money.... but he loves me evn if im a sanguinary bitch. its late and ive got class tomorrow. who knows if this will be the last u hear of me....

hello anyone home? life is waiting...

so today was boring... i woke up got some stuff done... had an allergic reaction that hasnt gone away yet... talked with chris, kayla, and a few others. my life is so crazy.. im going to 6 flags mayb on sunday which is cool just hard cuz i gotta take off work again and Manda is going!!! thats so cool i went to her b-day party which was fun her friends were cool too. school starts on the 24th!! and im freaking out!! holy crap college iwas talking with gina today and she warned me abt some professors thankfully non of which i have.... im trying to save for a laptop that mom wants to steal but i wnt let her.. she can use the dam desktop... my parents r fighting again... wat else is new? this time i didnt help either by getting in to an argument with him... but i was ticked oops... oh well things may normalize again... soon... i hope... i guess... watevr im not going to think abt i... itll only upset me more...

im done with them

happy 70th post.... not... well life atm hasnt been great but to be honest this isnt abt my life its abt the ppl who i used to perhaps trust... not any more... im done with them... theres only 3... well one that i really want to end it with and the other too i dnt much want to see any ways... let them live their lives i dnt want to b a part of that world any more... its not like they;ll care, its not like they'll be so lost with out me... hell they wnt give a fuck. and if they "do" they r full of shit. im done!!! i hate thinking abt them i hate knowing that they upset me this way!! im going insane...i want them out of my life. my emotions r out of control and my rage will torment me... so im getting rid of the dam problem so bye bye u fucking birdie...

My job, my life, my headache

so work was kinda freaky yesterday, i worked a late shift 4-9 it was so dead but ok... i love working there its not really even work and i get paid for it.... its sweet and guess who i saw which totally freaked me out cuz i havnt seen him in evr... i saw gopher. big tall with an itty bitty brain gopher... and my first thought was (cuz i was out on carts) "holy shit if he recognizes me hell hit me with his truck" but he didnt say anything nor atempt to run me ovr so yay. it was just odd. that and chris and me r going threw a rough patch again... im lonely & starved for attention txting him nor longer makes me happy, im not losing interest but with out touch or kisses or hugs i feel numb its not fair wat hurts tho is when his parents ask him if he wants to do this stupid summer thing again and he says maybe!!! maybe? r u kidding me?!?!?!? we hav enough problems i dnt want to spend another summer away from him... but wat if thats wat he wants? i hate medians!!! i want one or the other no in betweens!! ur either with me or ur not thats sounds so bad but... thats how i am, dnt worry i hate my self plenty but im a selfish person i want chris to love me and b mine....wat the fuck.....?

so close yet so far

hes close to comming home yet so far away from me.. it sucks. i want him home i get so lonely sometimes i just want a hug or a kiss... its not pleasant wanting and needing him yet hes gone tho i do distract myself by working and doing stuff with family.idk i get to watch his pets this week which is cool ill get to spend time at his house but he may have to go to WI and idnt want that!! hes got to stay with me!!! im gonna go this stupid space bar wnt work so bye bye

By the skin of his teeth

well i learned alot abt my christopher... and i went to see him yesterday evn tho he ruined my plans.. i didnt want to b there i wanted to run and nevr look back.. i pushed him away but he didnt give up.... he kept kissing me and wouldnt let me go... in the end he broke down my defense.. it was nevr strong aganist him to begin with he kissed me hard and basically told me to shut up and love him... which i did i cnt evr stay mad at him he knows how to love me... it was a very good day and ill miss him dearly hes going far away... oklahoma, texas... mayb washington dc... his rents got him a nice camera so he can take pics... i told him if he took any pics of girls... that id kill him... im a jelous lover but hes worse than i am.... i stated talking abt jake and he got mad.. he kept saying "i dnt want to hear abt him, ur mine" i love it when he gets all protective and doesnt want to share me i must admit im the same way.. stay away from my teddi bear his heart belongs to me... i kept teasing him saying that when he got home i was going to tattoo my name on his butt... he laughed and said "ok but ur paying for it" idk how we function normally but i love him and thats all that matters.. evn if im so pissed off i go on a rampage he still knows how to calm me down evn if hes hanging on by the skin of his teeth... (lol see the tie in with the title... lol clever me)

ITS CALLED A SURPRISE FOR A REASON!!!!

chris can b so stupid!! arg he ruined my fucking surprise! i was supposed to go up to see him tomorrow tho i told him i was and i got my hair cut and i bleached part of it... i stated to cry when he said that he didnt like short hair and couldnt see me with short hair... he sounds just like my dad.. hes the one person whos approval i want and he shuts me down before he evn sees its!idk if i even want to go now... hes so stupid!!! then he wants to tell me his surprise for me!!! i told him no way in hell thats not how it works!!! ive been so depressed latly like really depressed... this whole thing was going to pull me out of this slump but no!! stupid moron fuck head goes and ruins it.... ive been so upset abt my weight i havent been eating... i just want to curl up and and never move again... i want chris to beg and plead with me not to go to stay with him.. and i want to shut him down hard i want to hurt... i want him to know that im the only girl who loves him totally and that u dnt mess with me! not a chance u wouldnt poke a rabid bear with a stick, u dnt fucking mess with me!!!

MUUUUUHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAA!

yes that is my evil laughter... my surprise is now complete and im so excited!! i hope my teddi likes it!! i hav a feeling that he will and he wnt. but who knows. i feel bad the poor boy broke his glasses again.. my baby is as blind as a bat with out them i just hope i can make him happy, im so excited my stomach churns evrytime i think abt chris' when hell get to see wat ive done. i know im being very evasive but if chris were to read this i wouldnt want to give anything away that would ruin the fun. he wnt have to wait long now he should get it tomorrow if my timing is correct... but who knows my plan could fail and everything could be ruined... i almost cried yesterday cuz i almost couldnt set my plan into motion... but i figured a way to fix that nicely. i cnt wait for DCI that will b so cool!!! ill get to c my baby perform. hes so proud but he wnt admit it hes stubborn like that. but im stubborn as hell too... maybe evn more so than my christopher... my dad draged up the whole y do u always wear black shit again... y arnt u mre girly.. it ticks me off but hes from a time when there werent many boyish girls and if there were they were stupid and ugly... but i like how i am.. kinda.. idk thats just me ttyl

surprise, surprise

im so excited!!! im going to surprise the shit out of chris, but since he may read this i cnt give any details oooo too bad im excited i hope he likes it.. it will happen soon too!! god i miss him so much... i had a scare today too my surprise almost was shut down. that wasnt good! hell love part of it... maybe not the other part so much but it a choice i made and its going to happen... too bad for him.. i love him so much... my goofy teddi bear... im going to bed ttyl

The Red Violin

its amazing how different views of the world u get when u live with different families. my family is intelligent in common knowledge keeping up with the times and knowing how to live life now. with very little culture, yet when im with chris' family its amazingly different. we listen to the classical master pieces of old... watch movies with hidden meanings with culture with history. i love that, not that im snubbing my own family but i wish we had more learning more knowledge to share with each other that fascinated us and held our attention... if i have children which is unlikely but if i do... my kids will understand the importance of music, of learning, of thinking, and creating... i hope that they will not be corrupted by the tech age with its fast pace lifestyle and mine mine mine attitude i do hope my kids will cherish those who have came before them and know the meaning of life is in part understanding that of human nature and our need to create beauty like none ever seen before. tho chris may not know it he has grown up with wat i have wanted... knowing... understanding of a language that is universal he has been blessed with a higher intelligence that i can begin to comprehend... nor do i wish to... once u understand something... once u have gained the truth there is no more beauty there is no more mystery... it is only as it appears

i really wish i wasnt me

ive hated myself for a long time.... i want to change but i cnt seem to want to change enough. i try i really do im active i try to watch wat i eat but it never seems like enough... im discusting and i never want to eat again... i want to b a pretty girl one who isnt looked at like u know shes the one who likes to eat, u know shes fat... i hate my body there is nothing abt it that does anybody any good... its too big too thick... its ugly.. and dnt tell me its not! im not stupid i have eyes and im telling u its the worst... they dnt believe me either... evryone tells u ur fine.. that u look ok... LIKE THAT PROVES IT!!! DNT FUCKING TELL ME IM PRETTY OR BEAUTIFUL. I KNOW WAT I AM AND I WISH I WERE DEAD, I WISH I HAD NEVR BEEN CREATED I WANT MY EXISTANCE TO FADE AWAY AND FOR PEOPLE TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE....

this, that, and the other thing

im home, and for once im glad to b bac in known terittory. im tired tho. its hard i had fun in MI dnt get me wrong but i always hav a hard time up there with bugs i dnt freak out but i dnt like them... i mean who does? they r icky crawly and gross. i also came home with a number of injuries. my left ankle is healing after being scraped badly by my cousin he didnt mean it but it bled like crazy and hurts like a bitch. then theres my jammed finger. we were playing soft ball while on vacation and i always jam my finger... it still hurts tho not badly. then theres my right arm. its sore and i have no idea y. i keep trying to think of reasons as to y my arm is so sore. and its got weird bruises on it too. how i got them idk but watever i can deal. wat is cool is the fact that i brought home more bones. yep and not just one or two itty bitty ones nope ive got over 13 bones from the same animal. its a bird of some kind but its a large bird. we r thinking bird of prey because of the shape of the eyes sockets . ive got a intact skull 2 wish bones, 2 sets of wing bones and a fully intact foot nails and all. now most of the animal was fully decayed. except the foot but that doesnt surprise me. there are so many tendons in the foot that water can break them down fast enough and that bird hasnt been dead long. and yes i found it fully submerged in the water. i hit the jack pot on the first day tho i did fail to located the rib cage, spine, other foot and lower jaw.... but non the less i still came home with a pretty good turn out. it was my goal to find new bones and i found a lot. i wondered if burning the bones would help them decay faster... turns out that it does but then u get an awful smell and u can burn holes in them... and all i used was a sparkler. but i only did it to one of the bigger bones so no real damage done... and now they wait for me to deal with them... i think im going to bleach them.. that will help... i hope.... well im going to go im done and im tired....

for the love of death

today is a sad day. i hope things go well but i have a feeling things will be awkward for me. i dnt cry, i can but normally i dnt. i cry for very specific reasons and when it comes to death its interesting. i can cry but i dnt. i feel sad and wish things had turned out different;y but no tears. does that make me a monster? i dnt think so. but ive been told that i dnt love enough that im a cold hearted bitch. but watevr i dnt care anymore let me b a cold hearted nightmare ppl might leave me alone. im excited tho MI is comming up and im on a hunt for bones. bones bones and more bones. i love them i even made 2 braclets out of a small hollowed out bone and then carved a hole in another one to make it like a charm. the only thing i have tho as a string is twine... not very nice i would prefer leather... ha more dead animal... lol but watevr ill make do with wat i have i hope chris likes it im sending one to him. i carved the japanese symbol for luck into it too... he needs all the luck he can get...

hope is the light at the end of the dark tunnel

thats my theory. when ppl say theres a light at the end of the tunnel and to walk twards it or not, my idea is that its hope. u walk to that light and ur hit by wave upon wave of hope. hope that u made the right decision, hope that ur life was wat u intended it to be watevr the case. the light is hope. my Teddi Bear... my christopher... my light at the end of the tunnel he has given me so much hope to live my life with it amazes me. we might be 2 crazy unstable morons but at leas we have eachother. at least im not alone. he makes me smile evn when im at my lowest. hes there to share secrets with when i want to feel important... when i want to feel like i matter to some body anybody.... evn when its the dumbest thing of all... and his secrets i will take to my grave... he upset me today cuz i didnt understand it wasnt the action that upset me, i could handle the action.. it was the reason behind the action that hurt... it made the dark fogginess of doubt settle into my mind like a sickness. if ur like me thinking doesnt help when doubt has clouded ur mind... u make it thicker and darker with each passing thought. but there is hope... just follow the light.

the death of love

im amazed at myself... for being so stupid.... for being so blind.... how could i not see? the one person im supposed to know like a book and ive overlooked a major detail. he will always be in my heart in fact hes too big a piece of my heart that if i shut him out i dnt think id be a person. but how do u handle such blind ignorance for so long a time? with out wanting to hate.. and hate deeply? whoevr is reading this im not going to bother telling u whats wrong... its my life and i dnt want any one in it... except maybe... him.... but what if its true? can i hold him? can i keep him loving me? my mind tells me to trust him... yet im helpless as to wat to do for him... god i want him home... hes mine and he says he loves me but how? thats wat i dnt understand... can a pseron b both? can they be more of one and not the other? this will always haunt me... tho i want to ignore it like mad... make it go away make him love me the way i thought he did.... its like being in the twilight zone and im a member of the blind, hopeful, and utterly helpless...

the solitary, depressed, and half demented

today was crazy and chaotic as usual which is good it keeps me focused on what i need to b doing... im so glad ive got work tomorrow... id go crazy at my house if i didnt. mom and i played badminton today which was fun... im a bit rusty tho i havent touched my raquet since ive started work. mayb even earlier... who knows... im so glad ive got my own room. why u ask well its simple really im a loner... and if uve been following this blog ull b thinking "wat? uve got friends and a boyfriend how can u b a loner?" i stay away from ppl as much as i can...i prefer to watch and observe then get in the middle of things... i hate being touched but when chris came into my life it was easy to learn to want hugs and kisses and little touches... but only from him everything thing else feels wrong and i dnt like it.... i know i sound crazy i want to be touched yet i dnt... well the title does say half demented right? most of the titles that look/ sound like that have either happened or describe how i feel. u figure out which is which. anyway bac to my room.. if i shared with my sister i think id go crazy enough to rip my ears off. shes good to talk to when u want to blab but otherwise she can b pushy and has an enerngizer bunny motor mouth. yeesh... blah blah blah blah blah all the time. and ppl wonder y im quiet. things at the house hav been strained. u can feel it... and yes theres a reason but i dnt feel like telling u cuz im trying to help the family cope, i deal with death in a different way... oops i guess i just kinda ruined it... o well thats the only clue u get.. whoevr the fuck u are. who evr reads these when im away.... who knows and who cares? i sure as hell dnt. so call me a bitter fuck... it wnt be anything new and i havent cared abt being nice in a long time. so it u were hoping i was gonna be miss sunshine and rainbows ur shit outta luck fuckers go to another blog im sure Little Miss Rin would take care of u and ur bloggers needs. me.... thats all i am and its all ill ever be.. dnt ask me to change cuz i sure as hell wnt do it for u and dnt push me cuz u wnt win.. evn if u think u hav i will still find a way to make life hell trust me.... i dnt take kindly to anything...so bac the fuck off... test me i dnt care a little anger helps me fight depression by giving me something to do... good bye for now...

theres a time and place for everything... now isnt one of those times..

so guess who can travel at the speed of light? well not me thats for dam sure. im so crazy busy right now that i nevr plan to do anything cuz its too much of a pain...unless it involves christopher. thats abt it. oh and work. but i like my life the way it is cuz that means that there are no stupid surprises... like ppl popping up on my door step saying hey wanna do shit? i dnt hav time and thats fine with me. like today ive got badminton yay new strings!!! then tomorrow is work... then ive got family plans wednesday and then im gone... out of town for a week up in MI... HAHA! im so excited tho i dnt want to miss work. i like working its fun and i get to talk to new ppl and i get to see amanda!!! which is cool cuz i havnt gotten a chance to talk with her since she went to college. me and her used to be best friends but shes a few years older than me and we kinda drifted when she went to high school. but watever. life happens. so i got a txt from my teddi bear saying he found bones. a jaw and a spine.. which is cool. im jelous tho ive been searching for a spine ever since i started my bone collection. ive got a lot of bones... which i might even try to make braclets out of well watever i g2g... bye bye

the slutty, shamefaced,and totally naked

ok so im not sure what my title has to do with but its funny and it makes u think. im so fucking sore... not like that... get ur mind out of the gutter... im sore cuz i had to shovel with my dad for 5 hrs yesterday. it sucked, but i did like bagging at jewel that was fun im going to like working there.... but at first i was in a total panic. but watevr. im excited!!! ive got work and i get to go to chris' parade tomorrow!! i get to see my christopher!! i cnt wait... i havent seen him in forevr and i want him i almost burst into tears to day cuz i heard some sappy song and i wanted my baby home. hes so sweet u ppl have no idea... the poor boy gets picked on all the time tho its not fair to him. wat really sucks is this comming 4th of july ive got to go on some family vacation and i kinda dnt want to i want to work... its weird... idk im also trying to convince my mom to let me go to chris' DCI thingy for band but idk.... its 3 nights in indianappolis (yea i know i suck at spelling) which is kinda harsh but wat can i do? i want to see him. man ive got a monster head ache... wtf... watevr. so my best friends bf is having some party this sunday and im not going ive got work... plus im not sure what im doing that night so watevr not my fault... more time to just relax... yay...! im such a clutz i kept getting hurt yesterday on the dig... i tore a huge chunk of skin off the side of my thumb its not pretty itll probably scar o well i also slammed a shovel into my foot twice... i know im so gracefull. XD its not my fault im a big goof... atleast chris loves me. if i didnt have him... id wither away and die... hes so much a part of my life that if he left id b no better than a house plant. but i should go ive got to deal with the tiny munchkins running around the house... yippy

the FUCKED UP, whacked out, and overly dramatic

the best thing about today..... hasnt happened yet. i hate holidays i really do. ive been yelled at left and right for alot of crap. first the house isnt clean then it hasnt been cleaned right then its i want ur phone... oh it gets better! then its lets bash kelli's driving skills! all friking day!!!!!! i was told i have zero sensitivity and im a bitch.... chris was being the biggest drama queen and needs to shut up but hes ok now which is good cuz i cnt take that whiny shit. i love him to death, like mad, how ever u want to say it. im just so fucking pissed at every one. they wnt leave me alone!!! dad wnt shut up mom is a bear... not a panda bear more like a rabid grizzly thats PMSing. why is everything so stupid!!!! honestly!? im not happy!!! arg i got a job working for jewel which is cool but i have to get work pants and i havent had time!!! im driving ppl around evry where and its kelli do this and kelli do that! kelli did u do the thing i told u to do 2 minutes ago when u were doing that other thing i told u to do? bitch bitch bitch bitch thats all they evr do. and get a load of this bull shit! my mom calls today and is like im getting a mini computer for ur grad gift... ill share it with u... but u can only do school stuff on it. WAT THE FUCK!!!!!?!?!?! most kids get a laptop to do what they want. i get a laptop to share with my mom for school! and i dnt even get to pick the dam thing out!!! ill get my own fucking computer and use it for what ever the fuck i want!!!! this is so retarted!!! im just done... yet i get called a bitch and as non-feeling as a rat! i want out of this fucking house!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!

the isolated, insane, and enraged

well its now thursday and im so sore... but i got a new book the other day which is fun and i got to bike ride... yay me. but the freaking insane thing is that everyone has gone fucking nuts!!! ryan is bac in town and txted me the other day i nearly had a heart attack its weird hanging out with him. then i txted erin and she was like oh we r friends now.... WAT!?!?!?!?! erins always backed me up and has found him awkward.... the whole world is going to shit. my bf is gone i want to b left alone and i know once ppl start asking me to hang out more and i keep giving excuses they read me the roit act and im not interested. i dnt like ppl i want to b alone unless ur christopher go away. my dad needs to be quiet agr my family is too big and too loud ive got to go ttyl

guess whos bac!!!!

yea i know im so lame but watevr im a busy girl! so here are some major updates im now 18!! and have graduated highschool i might even be getting a job at jewel which is cool cuz i need the cash. im still dating my christopher tho hes gone for 2 months and im heart broken i love the stupid moron.... but we can handle it and its good for him hes a great horn player and hes so sweet then my best friend erin and our friend brian just started dating which is so cute but annoying at the same time. i know when couples start going out that nothing matters but the other person and u get to be cute and sappy and make other ppl want to gag but when ur on the opposite side its like ewww ok get a room! im happy for her and him. as for badminton well i was part of the top doubles team and # 2 on varsity!!! i was also team captian which is cool. but i did not make it to state cuz my partner decided to fucking choke at sectionals!!!!! i was so heart broken i wanted state bad and she didnt seem to care! i could have killed her! i was so mad but atleast i took home a tiger award and she didnt. idk im just upset it was my year! my chance to get my pic on the wall of fame.... but we took confrence for a third year in a row which is great. we beat oswego east nice and soundly. so hahaha! ive been lonely lately its no ones fault but idk i guess i dnt want to do much cuz my chris is gone. not much else has happened. ive been working out every day or trying to i want to look sexy when chris comes home but wat if im still the gross old me and hes the hottie when we see eachother again? i hate my body... oh who am i kidding i hate everything about me. i want to make him happy and im not sure that i do... im so sore ive been biking to school and bac then playing badminton for 3:30 to 5:30 then biking home im super sore.... but what if it doesnt help? im so gross how can chris even stand to kiss me? im not sure wat to do anymore and im nervous about this job... life is so crazy what happend to it just being summer and theres nothing to do? well i g2g ttyl guys

i havnt been here in like years!

well its now 2009 yay? idk watever it just happens, im still with christopher its alomost been 2 years! which is so crazy weird but i love him! Rin is still my best friend ever and my concert buddy! we r going to one in april to see 3oh3, rocket to the moon, hit the lights, family force 5, and a few others it will awsome!! college is soon and highschool is almost over!! which rocks. im so ready to go to state for badminton this year. im going to kick ass badminton is a rough sport i dnt care wat u say. if u bad talk my sport ill beat the shit out of u with a raquet! i lost my job at vita bella...ooops... but i hated it anyway... an i have a new pet. hes a rat i named him Rex! hes so cute hes black with a white belly! and hes all mine! im turning 18 very soon! which is cool but scary! i g2g now! ttyl