hope is the light at the end of the dark tunnel

thats my theory. when ppl say theres a light at the end of the tunnel and to walk twards it or not, my idea is that its hope. u walk to that light and ur hit by wave upon wave of hope. hope that u made the right decision, hope that ur life was wat u intended it to be watevr the case. the light is hope. my Teddi Bear... my christopher... my light at the end of the tunnel he has given me so much hope to live my life with it amazes me. we might be 2 crazy unstable morons but at leas we have eachother. at least im not alone. he makes me smile evn when im at my lowest. hes there to share secrets with when i want to feel important... when i want to feel like i matter to some body anybody.... evn when its the dumbest thing of all... and his secrets i will take to my grave... he upset me today cuz i didnt understand it wasnt the action that upset me, i could handle the action.. it was the reason behind the action that hurt... it made the dark fogginess of doubt settle into my mind like a sickness. if ur like me thinking doesnt help when doubt has clouded ur mind... u make it thicker and darker with each passing thought. but there is hope... just follow the light.

the death of love

im amazed at myself... for being so stupid.... for being so blind.... how could i not see? the one person im supposed to know like a book and ive overlooked a major detail. he will always be in my heart in fact hes too big a piece of my heart that if i shut him out i dnt think id be a person. but how do u handle such blind ignorance for so long a time? with out wanting to hate.. and hate deeply? whoevr is reading this im not going to bother telling u whats wrong... its my life and i dnt want any one in it... except maybe... him.... but what if its true? can i hold him? can i keep him loving me? my mind tells me to trust him... yet im helpless as to wat to do for him... god i want him home... hes mine and he says he loves me but how? thats wat i dnt understand... can a pseron b both? can they be more of one and not the other? this will always haunt me... tho i want to ignore it like mad... make it go away make him love me the way i thought he did.... its like being in the twilight zone and im a member of the blind, hopeful, and utterly helpless...

the solitary, depressed, and half demented

today was crazy and chaotic as usual which is good it keeps me focused on what i need to b doing... im so glad ive got work tomorrow... id go crazy at my house if i didnt. mom and i played badminton today which was fun... im a bit rusty tho i havent touched my raquet since ive started work. mayb even earlier... who knows... im so glad ive got my own room. why u ask well its simple really im a loner... and if uve been following this blog ull b thinking "wat? uve got friends and a boyfriend how can u b a loner?" i stay away from ppl as much as i can...i prefer to watch and observe then get in the middle of things... i hate being touched but when chris came into my life it was easy to learn to want hugs and kisses and little touches... but only from him everything thing else feels wrong and i dnt like it.... i know i sound crazy i want to be touched yet i dnt... well the title does say half demented right? most of the titles that look/ sound like that have either happened or describe how i feel. u figure out which is which. anyway bac to my room.. if i shared with my sister i think id go crazy enough to rip my ears off. shes good to talk to when u want to blab but otherwise she can b pushy and has an enerngizer bunny motor mouth. yeesh... blah blah blah blah blah all the time. and ppl wonder y im quiet. things at the house hav been strained. u can feel it... and yes theres a reason but i dnt feel like telling u cuz im trying to help the family cope, i deal with death in a different way... oops i guess i just kinda ruined it... o well thats the only clue u get.. whoevr the fuck u are. who evr reads these when im away.... who knows and who cares? i sure as hell dnt. so call me a bitter fuck... it wnt be anything new and i havent cared abt being nice in a long time. so it u were hoping i was gonna be miss sunshine and rainbows ur shit outta luck fuckers go to another blog im sure Little Miss Rin would take care of u and ur bloggers needs. me.... thats all i am and its all ill ever be.. dnt ask me to change cuz i sure as hell wnt do it for u and dnt push me cuz u wnt win.. evn if u think u hav i will still find a way to make life hell trust me.... i dnt take kindly to anything...so bac the fuck off... test me i dnt care a little anger helps me fight depression by giving me something to do... good bye for now...

theres a time and place for everything... now isnt one of those times..

so guess who can travel at the speed of light? well not me thats for dam sure. im so crazy busy right now that i nevr plan to do anything cuz its too much of a pain...unless it involves christopher. thats abt it. oh and work. but i like my life the way it is cuz that means that there are no stupid surprises... like ppl popping up on my door step saying hey wanna do shit? i dnt hav time and thats fine with me. like today ive got badminton yay new strings!!! then tomorrow is work... then ive got family plans wednesday and then im gone... out of town for a week up in MI... HAHA! im so excited tho i dnt want to miss work. i like working its fun and i get to talk to new ppl and i get to see amanda!!! which is cool cuz i havnt gotten a chance to talk with her since she went to college. me and her used to be best friends but shes a few years older than me and we kinda drifted when she went to high school. but watever. life happens. so i got a txt from my teddi bear saying he found bones. a jaw and a spine.. which is cool. im jelous tho ive been searching for a spine ever since i started my bone collection. ive got a lot of bones... which i might even try to make braclets out of well watever i g2g... bye bye

the slutty, shamefaced,and totally naked

ok so im not sure what my title has to do with but its funny and it makes u think. im so fucking sore... not like that... get ur mind out of the gutter... im sore cuz i had to shovel with my dad for 5 hrs yesterday. it sucked, but i did like bagging at jewel that was fun im going to like working there.... but at first i was in a total panic. but watevr. im excited!!! ive got work and i get to go to chris' parade tomorrow!! i get to see my christopher!! i cnt wait... i havent seen him in forevr and i want him i almost burst into tears to day cuz i heard some sappy song and i wanted my baby home. hes so sweet u ppl have no idea... the poor boy gets picked on all the time tho its not fair to him. wat really sucks is this comming 4th of july ive got to go on some family vacation and i kinda dnt want to i want to work... its weird... idk im also trying to convince my mom to let me go to chris' DCI thingy for band but idk.... its 3 nights in indianappolis (yea i know i suck at spelling) which is kinda harsh but wat can i do? i want to see him. man ive got a monster head ache... wtf... watevr. so my best friends bf is having some party this sunday and im not going ive got work... plus im not sure what im doing that night so watevr not my fault... more time to just relax... yay...! im such a clutz i kept getting hurt yesterday on the dig... i tore a huge chunk of skin off the side of my thumb its not pretty itll probably scar o well i also slammed a shovel into my foot twice... i know im so gracefull. XD its not my fault im a big goof... atleast chris loves me. if i didnt have him... id wither away and die... hes so much a part of my life that if he left id b no better than a house plant. but i should go ive got to deal with the tiny munchkins running around the house... yippy

the FUCKED UP, whacked out, and overly dramatic

the best thing about today..... hasnt happened yet. i hate holidays i really do. ive been yelled at left and right for alot of crap. first the house isnt clean then it hasnt been cleaned right then its i want ur phone... oh it gets better! then its lets bash kelli's driving skills! all friking day!!!!!! i was told i have zero sensitivity and im a bitch.... chris was being the biggest drama queen and needs to shut up but hes ok now which is good cuz i cnt take that whiny shit. i love him to death, like mad, how ever u want to say it. im just so fucking pissed at every one. they wnt leave me alone!!! dad wnt shut up mom is a bear... not a panda bear more like a rabid grizzly thats PMSing. why is everything so stupid!!!! honestly!? im not happy!!! arg i got a job working for jewel which is cool but i have to get work pants and i havent had time!!! im driving ppl around evry where and its kelli do this and kelli do that! kelli did u do the thing i told u to do 2 minutes ago when u were doing that other thing i told u to do? bitch bitch bitch bitch thats all they evr do. and get a load of this bull shit! my mom calls today and is like im getting a mini computer for ur grad gift... ill share it with u... but u can only do school stuff on it. WAT THE FUCK!!!!!?!?!?! most kids get a laptop to do what they want. i get a laptop to share with my mom for school! and i dnt even get to pick the dam thing out!!! ill get my own fucking computer and use it for what ever the fuck i want!!!! this is so retarted!!! im just done... yet i get called a bitch and as non-feeling as a rat! i want out of this fucking house!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!

the isolated, insane, and enraged

well its now thursday and im so sore... but i got a new book the other day which is fun and i got to bike ride... yay me. but the freaking insane thing is that everyone has gone fucking nuts!!! ryan is bac in town and txted me the other day i nearly had a heart attack its weird hanging out with him. then i txted erin and she was like oh we r friends now.... WAT!?!?!?!?! erins always backed me up and has found him awkward.... the whole world is going to shit. my bf is gone i want to b left alone and i know once ppl start asking me to hang out more and i keep giving excuses they read me the roit act and im not interested. i dnt like ppl i want to b alone unless ur christopher go away. my dad needs to be quiet agr my family is too big and too loud ive got to go ttyl

guess whos bac!!!!

yea i know im so lame but watevr im a busy girl! so here are some major updates im now 18!! and have graduated highschool i might even be getting a job at jewel which is cool cuz i need the cash. im still dating my christopher tho hes gone for 2 months and im heart broken i love the stupid moron.... but we can handle it and its good for him hes a great horn player and hes so sweet then my best friend erin and our friend brian just started dating which is so cute but annoying at the same time. i know when couples start going out that nothing matters but the other person and u get to be cute and sappy and make other ppl want to gag but when ur on the opposite side its like ewww ok get a room! im happy for her and him. as for badminton well i was part of the top doubles team and # 2 on varsity!!! i was also team captian which is cool. but i did not make it to state cuz my partner decided to fucking choke at sectionals!!!!! i was so heart broken i wanted state bad and she didnt seem to care! i could have killed her! i was so mad but atleast i took home a tiger award and she didnt. idk im just upset it was my year! my chance to get my pic on the wall of fame.... but we took confrence for a third year in a row which is great. we beat oswego east nice and soundly. so hahaha! ive been lonely lately its no ones fault but idk i guess i dnt want to do much cuz my chris is gone. not much else has happened. ive been working out every day or trying to i want to look sexy when chris comes home but wat if im still the gross old me and hes the hottie when we see eachother again? i hate my body... oh who am i kidding i hate everything about me. i want to make him happy and im not sure that i do... im so sore ive been biking to school and bac then playing badminton for 3:30 to 5:30 then biking home im super sore.... but what if it doesnt help? im so gross how can chris even stand to kiss me? im not sure wat to do anymore and im nervous about this job... life is so crazy what happend to it just being summer and theres nothing to do? well i g2g ttyl guys