hello anyone home? life is waiting...

so today was boring... i woke up got some stuff done... had an allergic reaction that hasnt gone away yet... talked with chris, kayla, and a few others. my life is so crazy.. im going to 6 flags mayb on sunday which is cool just hard cuz i gotta take off work again and Manda is going!!! thats so cool i went to her b-day party which was fun her friends were cool too. school starts on the 24th!! and im freaking out!! holy crap college iwas talking with gina today and she warned me abt some professors thankfully non of which i have.... im trying to save for a laptop that mom wants to steal but i wnt let her.. she can use the dam desktop... my parents r fighting again... wat else is new? this time i didnt help either by getting in to an argument with him... but i was ticked oops... oh well things may normalize again... soon... i hope... i guess... watevr im not going to think abt i... itll only upset me more...

im done with them

happy 70th post.... not... well life atm hasnt been great but to be honest this isnt abt my life its abt the ppl who i used to perhaps trust... not any more... im done with them... theres only 3... well one that i really want to end it with and the other too i dnt much want to see any ways... let them live their lives i dnt want to b a part of that world any more... its not like they;ll care, its not like they'll be so lost with out me... hell they wnt give a fuck. and if they "do" they r full of shit. im done!!! i hate thinking abt them i hate knowing that they upset me this way!! im going insane...i want them out of my life. my emotions r out of control and my rage will torment me... so im getting rid of the dam problem so bye bye u fucking birdie...

My job, my life, my headache

so work was kinda freaky yesterday, i worked a late shift 4-9 it was so dead but ok... i love working there its not really even work and i get paid for it.... its sweet and guess who i saw which totally freaked me out cuz i havnt seen him in evr... i saw gopher. big tall with an itty bitty brain gopher... and my first thought was (cuz i was out on carts) "holy shit if he recognizes me hell hit me with his truck" but he didnt say anything nor atempt to run me ovr so yay. it was just odd. that and chris and me r going threw a rough patch again... im lonely & starved for attention txting him nor longer makes me happy, im not losing interest but with out touch or kisses or hugs i feel numb its not fair wat hurts tho is when his parents ask him if he wants to do this stupid summer thing again and he says maybe!!! maybe? r u kidding me?!?!?!? we hav enough problems i dnt want to spend another summer away from him... but wat if thats wat he wants? i hate medians!!! i want one or the other no in betweens!! ur either with me or ur not thats sounds so bad but... thats how i am, dnt worry i hate my self plenty but im a selfish person i want chris to love me and b mine....wat the fuck.....?

so close yet so far

hes close to comming home yet so far away from me.. it sucks. i want him home i get so lonely sometimes i just want a hug or a kiss... its not pleasant wanting and needing him yet hes gone tho i do distract myself by working and doing stuff with family.idk i get to watch his pets this week which is cool ill get to spend time at his house but he may have to go to WI and idnt want that!! hes got to stay with me!!! im gonna go this stupid space bar wnt work so bye bye

By the skin of his teeth

well i learned alot abt my christopher... and i went to see him yesterday evn tho he ruined my plans.. i didnt want to b there i wanted to run and nevr look back.. i pushed him away but he didnt give up.... he kept kissing me and wouldnt let me go... in the end he broke down my defense.. it was nevr strong aganist him to begin with he kissed me hard and basically told me to shut up and love him... which i did i cnt evr stay mad at him he knows how to love me... it was a very good day and ill miss him dearly hes going far away... oklahoma, texas... mayb washington dc... his rents got him a nice camera so he can take pics... i told him if he took any pics of girls... that id kill him... im a jelous lover but hes worse than i am.... i stated talking abt jake and he got mad.. he kept saying "i dnt want to hear abt him, ur mine" i love it when he gets all protective and doesnt want to share me i must admit im the same way.. stay away from my teddi bear his heart belongs to me... i kept teasing him saying that when he got home i was going to tattoo my name on his butt... he laughed and said "ok but ur paying for it" idk how we function normally but i love him and thats all that matters.. evn if im so pissed off i go on a rampage he still knows how to calm me down evn if hes hanging on by the skin of his teeth... (lol see the tie in with the title... lol clever me)

ITS CALLED A SURPRISE FOR A REASON!!!!

chris can b so stupid!! arg he ruined my fucking surprise! i was supposed to go up to see him tomorrow tho i told him i was and i got my hair cut and i bleached part of it... i stated to cry when he said that he didnt like short hair and couldnt see me with short hair... he sounds just like my dad.. hes the one person whos approval i want and he shuts me down before he evn sees its!idk if i even want to go now... hes so stupid!!! then he wants to tell me his surprise for me!!! i told him no way in hell thats not how it works!!! ive been so depressed latly like really depressed... this whole thing was going to pull me out of this slump but no!! stupid moron fuck head goes and ruins it.... ive been so upset abt my weight i havent been eating... i just want to curl up and and never move again... i want chris to beg and plead with me not to go to stay with him.. and i want to shut him down hard i want to hurt... i want him to know that im the only girl who loves him totally and that u dnt mess with me! not a chance u wouldnt poke a rabid bear with a stick, u dnt fucking mess with me!!!

MUUUUUHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAA!

yes that is my evil laughter... my surprise is now complete and im so excited!! i hope my teddi likes it!! i hav a feeling that he will and he wnt. but who knows. i feel bad the poor boy broke his glasses again.. my baby is as blind as a bat with out them i just hope i can make him happy, im so excited my stomach churns evrytime i think abt chris' when hell get to see wat ive done. i know im being very evasive but if chris were to read this i wouldnt want to give anything away that would ruin the fun. he wnt have to wait long now he should get it tomorrow if my timing is correct... but who knows my plan could fail and everything could be ruined... i almost cried yesterday cuz i almost couldnt set my plan into motion... but i figured a way to fix that nicely. i cnt wait for DCI that will b so cool!!! ill get to c my baby perform. hes so proud but he wnt admit it hes stubborn like that. but im stubborn as hell too... maybe evn more so than my christopher... my dad draged up the whole y do u always wear black shit again... y arnt u mre girly.. it ticks me off but hes from a time when there werent many boyish girls and if there were they were stupid and ugly... but i like how i am.. kinda.. idk thats just me ttyl

surprise, surprise

im so excited!!! im going to surprise the shit out of chris, but since he may read this i cnt give any details oooo too bad im excited i hope he likes it.. it will happen soon too!! god i miss him so much... i had a scare today too my surprise almost was shut down. that wasnt good! hell love part of it... maybe not the other part so much but it a choice i made and its going to happen... too bad for him.. i love him so much... my goofy teddi bear... im going to bed ttyl

The Red Violin

its amazing how different views of the world u get when u live with different families. my family is intelligent in common knowledge keeping up with the times and knowing how to live life now. with very little culture, yet when im with chris' family its amazingly different. we listen to the classical master pieces of old... watch movies with hidden meanings with culture with history. i love that, not that im snubbing my own family but i wish we had more learning more knowledge to share with each other that fascinated us and held our attention... if i have children which is unlikely but if i do... my kids will understand the importance of music, of learning, of thinking, and creating... i hope that they will not be corrupted by the tech age with its fast pace lifestyle and mine mine mine attitude i do hope my kids will cherish those who have came before them and know the meaning of life is in part understanding that of human nature and our need to create beauty like none ever seen before. tho chris may not know it he has grown up with wat i have wanted... knowing... understanding of a language that is universal he has been blessed with a higher intelligence that i can begin to comprehend... nor do i wish to... once u understand something... once u have gained the truth there is no more beauty there is no more mystery... it is only as it appears

i really wish i wasnt me

ive hated myself for a long time.... i want to change but i cnt seem to want to change enough. i try i really do im active i try to watch wat i eat but it never seems like enough... im discusting and i never want to eat again... i want to b a pretty girl one who isnt looked at like u know shes the one who likes to eat, u know shes fat... i hate my body there is nothing abt it that does anybody any good... its too big too thick... its ugly.. and dnt tell me its not! im not stupid i have eyes and im telling u its the worst... they dnt believe me either... evryone tells u ur fine.. that u look ok... LIKE THAT PROVES IT!!! DNT FUCKING TELL ME IM PRETTY OR BEAUTIFUL. I KNOW WAT I AM AND I WISH I WERE DEAD, I WISH I HAD NEVR BEEN CREATED I WANT MY EXISTANCE TO FADE AWAY AND FOR PEOPLE TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE....

this, that, and the other thing

im home, and for once im glad to b bac in known terittory. im tired tho. its hard i had fun in MI dnt get me wrong but i always hav a hard time up there with bugs i dnt freak out but i dnt like them... i mean who does? they r icky crawly and gross. i also came home with a number of injuries. my left ankle is healing after being scraped badly by my cousin he didnt mean it but it bled like crazy and hurts like a bitch. then theres my jammed finger. we were playing soft ball while on vacation and i always jam my finger... it still hurts tho not badly. then theres my right arm. its sore and i have no idea y. i keep trying to think of reasons as to y my arm is so sore. and its got weird bruises on it too. how i got them idk but watever i can deal. wat is cool is the fact that i brought home more bones. yep and not just one or two itty bitty ones nope ive got over 13 bones from the same animal. its a bird of some kind but its a large bird. we r thinking bird of prey because of the shape of the eyes sockets . ive got a intact skull 2 wish bones, 2 sets of wing bones and a fully intact foot nails and all. now most of the animal was fully decayed. except the foot but that doesnt surprise me. there are so many tendons in the foot that water can break them down fast enough and that bird hasnt been dead long. and yes i found it fully submerged in the water. i hit the jack pot on the first day tho i did fail to located the rib cage, spine, other foot and lower jaw.... but non the less i still came home with a pretty good turn out. it was my goal to find new bones and i found a lot. i wondered if burning the bones would help them decay faster... turns out that it does but then u get an awful smell and u can burn holes in them... and all i used was a sparkler. but i only did it to one of the bigger bones so no real damage done... and now they wait for me to deal with them... i think im going to bleach them.. that will help... i hope.... well im going to go im done and im tired....

for the love of death

today is a sad day. i hope things go well but i have a feeling things will be awkward for me. i dnt cry, i can but normally i dnt. i cry for very specific reasons and when it comes to death its interesting. i can cry but i dnt. i feel sad and wish things had turned out different;y but no tears. does that make me a monster? i dnt think so. but ive been told that i dnt love enough that im a cold hearted bitch. but watevr i dnt care anymore let me b a cold hearted nightmare ppl might leave me alone. im excited tho MI is comming up and im on a hunt for bones. bones bones and more bones. i love them i even made 2 braclets out of a small hollowed out bone and then carved a hole in another one to make it like a charm. the only thing i have tho as a string is twine... not very nice i would prefer leather... ha more dead animal... lol but watevr ill make do with wat i have i hope chris likes it im sending one to him. i carved the japanese symbol for luck into it too... he needs all the luck he can get...