Don't grow up too fast, or life will hit you in the face with a frying pan.

so my life is full of really big ups and really big downs and since i dnt really have a friend to talk to ill write it in this blog for the whole god damed world to see! hooray for lack of privacy! so i took my sister dress shopping the other day and chris went with us... and i started looking at wedding dresses kinda joking that if we are going to get married this is what i want my wedding dress to look like and he said that i should ask his mom to make the dress well that kinda threw me cuz i was like but that would be weird wouldnt it? and he was totally serious and we got talking and it turns out he really wants to get married!!!!! MARRIED... I was like really?... to me? were talking about me right? and he was totally serious and was bummed abt the fact that i didnt want to get even get engaged till 25... things change and when he said that my heart fell out of my chest and i think i kicked it down the escalator into some lady's face... i was so happy i didnt care if he proposed to me right there with a rubber band for a ring i would have said yes. he seemed excited and really wanted to plan things out so that they were perfect. i know it wnt be for a while cuz he doesnt have a job but i could be engaged by the time im 20 which kinda is really exciting.!!!but we wnt get married till we r done / nearly done with college... that will be the hard part... then yesterday i was hanging out with chris and he wasnt having the best of days and i felt bad. he was really upset of past regrets and then said something that really floored me... he said that he felt that he should regret not staying in touch with hannah, the slimy bitch who was like a past girlfriend but not really and is still totally in love with him, but that he didnt want to and i nearly burst into tears, does he still have feelings for her? he wants to get married yet regrets not staying in touch with a girl who he really liked 8... yes 8 years ago!?!?! im confused and lost and just not happy i want to love chris and spend my life with him idk wat to do... who do i talk to? who will listen? my best friend doesnt seem to exist any more and i cnt start up a conversation i dnt know wat the fuck to say... except y me?

Let the rains come, they will wash away the stains

i feel like my mood matches the weather. idk wat threw me into this funk but it did... last night i skipped class to go see Parachute perform which makes me feel guilty. its only one class i just normally dont skip. i forgot to punch in at work today... made myself feel like the biggest idiot alive thank god Sandy and Nancy were nice to me abt it saying theyd fix it... alot of things happened to me at work today. i was bagging and i saw a man dressed in a tux like he was getting married, which he was. and he looked so nervous. part of me suddenly couldnt wait to get married but i felt that if my husband to b were nervous id get upset. like weve been together for how long and ur nervous abt this? its not an extreme change ya know? thats just me.... then there was a man who came threw my line who knew very little english and i dnt think my checker understood that cuz she teased him and he didnt seem to understand. i felt bad for the man and i wanted to scream at this checker... it wasnt fair to him he didnt understand... i hate that when people make fun of me because i dont understand or i made a mistake... i dnt like doing that to other people. its wrong. im just tired and my calves kill.. i went running barefoot the other day which was fun. ive been trying to get used to my life and so far its just kicking me in the ass...

let me go, hide me away, things here have gone a stray...

i want out of here... i want to go some place where i wnt be known. people wnt know how crazy i really am. chris wants to go with me and i cnt think of a better person to travel with. i want to hide away in a big city and disappear. i could go to work doing odd things hitch hiking my way around with chris at my side. life would b a constant adventure. wed get a map and make our way up north then maybe slide down the west coast and bac again... i love snow i dnt want to b away from the cold for too long. we could head to the east see the ocean and then on to New York and New Jersey... wed learn to fight with the best of them... keep each other safe and warm... i know we could he loves me... maybe wed settle in our favorite city and see how old family is..wed show them that we did it we did as we said we would.... things here are feeling lost and forgotten like ive forgotten something very important but its been so long that wat ever it was has lost its status.. things feel dead and dry as old bones in the desert so brittle they crack and shatter into dust. am i holding on to wat was simply because i cant face my future? or am i a part of those memories that no longer have a place in this world except for in old photographs? i no longer can tell....

stupid people make me cry... well not really.....

so yesterday was my anniversary with chris.. 2 and a half years!!! omg crazy!!! we didnt do much but we did dance to a song that i love. but i was just thinking about how dumb people bring me down so easily.... or get me really angry. watevr the case i just wish they had talked to me, but no even when we fight they dnt talk to me directly except maybe through txts... im still in my "i-wanna-ring-ur-neck" mode which if left to fester on its own can b a dangerous thing. ive got work today 230-630 which is cool cuz itll give me something to do...i got movies and new music on my ipod!!! yay me!!! owl city is so good to listen to andi got rocket to the moon bac on my ipod thank the lord... i was dying without it. chris thinks my odd and weird ability to be able to almost have a song fully memorized by the 2nd time ive heard it is cool.. which i dnt understand cuz i thought every one could do that.... but i guess not.... im excited for our double date with zach and his girlfriend it may be a bit awkward but i dnt care i think id rather double date with zach and them any day then feel really weird being with erin and brian... major discomfort... but hey we arent friends any more!!! YAYNESS!!!! i dnt have to deal with that... sweet right? i think so... well i g2g ive got things to do before i go to work...

the theory of people

so i think i know one reason why me and my now ex friends didnt get along. we are just different breeds of people. the way i was raised had to do with a lot of that. i hate video games plain and simple. i think they teach kids to be lazy and how to b bored. well guess wat is a favorite pass time of the ex friends? so much so i thought id die of brain rot we just think so differently. erin thought that we were best friends but my definition of a best friend is way different than hers. so i guess im over it now i was really angry abt this whole thing i kept punching door frames and getting so tense but now im cool with just letting them go. i feel as if my thought processes are different i dont feel as if i belong with them anymore. i was an outsider in a group of outsiders. this is my opinion my half of the story. ihave a feeling this was for the best. im free... free of hurt, free of feeling like i was stepping on egg shells when i was around them. and i think that atm they are at a britney spears concert... which is the funniest dam thing ive ever heard!!!! dude that sucks and im glad its them and not me. and just to get this off my chest cuz i think that if i dnt ill want to keep thinking abt it... i saw one of erin's profile pics of her and brian kissing at when i first saw it i thought they were 2 boys kissing and i was trying to figure out which one of my friends was gay... oops... lol... my bad....XD

scared? you should be....

so college has started and life gets better, chris and me are still together thank god idk wat id do with out him. im finding new people and things to do that dnt bore me to tears. evn tho ican feel the anger that drives me. life will normalize itself and i can b happy. i was at the book store a half hour ago with chris... i keep telling him that if he bought me the book store id self combust with happiness. but he wnt.... :< alas he has no money.... but he loves me evn if im a sanguinary bitch. its late and ive got class tomorrow. who knows if this will be the last u hear of me....