thats what i want, i want a dog i can call Dammit... Coco is so old we r afraid she wnt last the week... her arthritis is so bad she can barley sit... shes my dog too and im gonna miss her, but theres already talk of getting 2 new dog when coco finally passes... i wanna name one of them Dammit... but that wont fly i dnt think... theres so much on my mind right now its hard to get all thoughts in order.. poor chris just got pulled over hes so upset he may be failing english and this job he landed at Petland sucks. that doesnt help much... im not sure what to do... i dnt want this to b a reoccuring problem he needs a degree... but he struggles but wnt tell me... i know im not the brightest but i can help... i feel as if my inside r in a pressure cooker my ribs crack under the force and my organs sizzle till they r overcooked... i keep have these nightmares but all i remember when i wake up is that im angry hurt and very lonely... theres one dream that i do remember tho.. im in a horrible cell like operating room and im screaming in pain... i beg over and over that i just want to go home i want my mom and theres blood everywhere. somethings in the room with me i can feel it crawling and dragging across the floor, my eyes r weak and i cnt turn my head no matter what i do and then i feel my ribs being forced apart very very slowly,and i just scream and cry and beg but what ever or who ever wnt listen and the last thing i see when i wake up is my mom, she looks tired and worn and i scream and scream but she wnt hear me. i hate that dream... it wnt leave me alone and the very thought of my mom now makes tears come to my eyes.. shes not sick or hurt... i just cant seem to get past this.. i have the strongest bond with her and i think im having anxiety when it comes to moving out and stuff... i guess... every time Hey Soul Sister by Train plays on the radio.. i start to cry and get really upset cuz thats moms favorite song... but i love it too... i just wish things were so dam complicated and that i wasnt so angry all the time.. i feel like im always either angry, paniced,or very stressed... never happy... well almost never... Chris makes me happy... and i like work and school... i like being in the environment which is y i guess i dnt understand why chris has such a hard time.. sure its alot but its very do-able. i think i realized that my thoughts on Erin who hasnt talked to me for weeks and yes i was very angry when i wrote my last blog but i wnt applogize i ment what i said, tho i could have been less harsh... i know i get like that... i guess im hurt and i dnt like being hurt,i feel as tho ive been abandoned but i know thats not true i push ppl away... and i dnt try to fix my mistakes cuz im a proud person with very little self confidence.. i figured that in all my attempts to bait her i was accutally trying to ellicit extreme anger... some one prove me wrong yell at me tell me im so stupid and hurtful that i dnt deserve to live, let me b the victim for once... i keep asking myself " what r u trying to do by talking to her? r u out for friendship or punishment?" i know the answer and i dnt... cuz i dnt want it to be the answer... i feel torn tho.. like im hurt and there for im angry and i want them to know it yet im HURT and i want to cry and be told that its ok mistakes happen... but what if no one is willing to forgive me... im a lunatic and theres no garentee i wnt fly off the deep end... i come from a long line of women who are like this... including my mom and aunt... if fact its more likely to happen cuz its been established that i will be allowed to simmer in my anger and left to self destructive habbits..... i have a feeling that no one cares... no one is interested in my self loathing too busy to care. either that or they hate me enough to think "ha let her die let her rot in her own filthy sickness" ive pushed ppl away and Christopher is the only one perhaps besides my mom to stick with me. idk how he does... i can be set off by the stupidest of things.. and can gentle one minute and a rabid animal the next... how can this boy, who struggles in life stay with the one person who is as dangerous and as violent as the sea...? he amazes me and i wish others cared like he did and that they didnt expect me to just suck it up and b a leader... but yet i dnt like to follow.. so what am i? do i lead do i follow? should i isolate myself??? wat am i doing?
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