self pity is bitter sweet.

i hate feeling like this but lately its gotten worse... people have been asking me alot more often about my age... im 18 im going to be 19! but no one can tell.. every thinks im still in high school... im looked at as though im just a stupid freshman girl who's overweight and a freak.... i try not to take it personally i try my best but it still hurts... i see my friends be girly and look cute and they have lives they do thinks... and im stuck like this... but im trying to change im going to do something about my weight issue... but i still wnt be pretty.... chris keeps trying to tell me different... what do i say to that? i know how i look i know how i feel and even tho i love him to death.... it doesnt really matter what he tells me.... im just not pretty... and i have a bitch for a personality....every one tells me that when im older and everyone looks older than they really are i'll look younger... but they say that cuz they dnt know how badly it feels when everyone around you is growing up and looking their age and becomming who they are... while you are left behind. i cnt express how much pain wells up in me when i see this happen... i have issuses with abandonment... and frankly i know i shouldnt.... i didnt even know him but it always pops into my head.. saying" look they are leaving u too... he must have been right not even to bother sticking around and now they see what he knew before he even met u" and i cnt tell anyone that its bothering me i feel like i cnt or i'll hurt my dad and i dnt want that... but what do i do? i wnat to change i want to be some one important. i wasnt even supposed to exist but i got the chance... i want to take it... but im not them... who the fuck am i? who is this stupid person i keep worrying about.... ? i barley evn look like a girl... let alone feel sexy or pretty... im so sick of this, and i hate crying yet tears come anyway.. im going to bed... sleep is easy... and i dnt have to remember what i look like when i sleep...