this, that, and the other thing

im home, and for once im glad to b bac in known terittory. im tired tho. its hard i had fun in MI dnt get me wrong but i always hav a hard time up there with bugs i dnt freak out but i dnt like them... i mean who does? they r icky crawly and gross. i also came home with a number of injuries. my left ankle is healing after being scraped badly by my cousin he didnt mean it but it bled like crazy and hurts like a bitch. then theres my jammed finger. we were playing soft ball while on vacation and i always jam my finger... it still hurts tho not badly. then theres my right arm. its sore and i have no idea y. i keep trying to think of reasons as to y my arm is so sore. and its got weird bruises on it too. how i got them idk but watever i can deal. wat is cool is the fact that i brought home more bones. yep and not just one or two itty bitty ones nope ive got over 13 bones from the same animal. its a bird of some kind but its a large bird. we r thinking bird of prey because of the shape of the eyes sockets . ive got a intact skull 2 wish bones, 2 sets of wing bones and a fully intact foot nails and all. now most of the animal was fully decayed. except the foot but that doesnt surprise me. there are so many tendons in the foot that water can break them down fast enough and that bird hasnt been dead long. and yes i found it fully submerged in the water. i hit the jack pot on the first day tho i did fail to located the rib cage, spine, other foot and lower jaw.... but non the less i still came home with a pretty good turn out. it was my goal to find new bones and i found a lot. i wondered if burning the bones would help them decay faster... turns out that it does but then u get an awful smell and u can burn holes in them... and all i used was a sparkler. but i only did it to one of the bigger bones so no real damage done... and now they wait for me to deal with them... i think im going to bleach them.. that will help... i hope.... well im going to go im done and im tired....

for the love of death

today is a sad day. i hope things go well but i have a feeling things will be awkward for me. i dnt cry, i can but normally i dnt. i cry for very specific reasons and when it comes to death its interesting. i can cry but i dnt. i feel sad and wish things had turned out different;y but no tears. does that make me a monster? i dnt think so. but ive been told that i dnt love enough that im a cold hearted bitch. but watevr i dnt care anymore let me b a cold hearted nightmare ppl might leave me alone. im excited tho MI is comming up and im on a hunt for bones. bones bones and more bones. i love them i even made 2 braclets out of a small hollowed out bone and then carved a hole in another one to make it like a charm. the only thing i have tho as a string is twine... not very nice i would prefer leather... ha more dead animal... lol but watevr ill make do with wat i have i hope chris likes it im sending one to him. i carved the japanese symbol for luck into it too... he needs all the luck he can get...

hope is the light at the end of the dark tunnel

thats my theory. when ppl say theres a light at the end of the tunnel and to walk twards it or not, my idea is that its hope. u walk to that light and ur hit by wave upon wave of hope. hope that u made the right decision, hope that ur life was wat u intended it to be watevr the case. the light is hope. my Teddi Bear... my christopher... my light at the end of the tunnel he has given me so much hope to live my life with it amazes me. we might be 2 crazy unstable morons but at leas we have eachother. at least im not alone. he makes me smile evn when im at my lowest. hes there to share secrets with when i want to feel important... when i want to feel like i matter to some body anybody.... evn when its the dumbest thing of all... and his secrets i will take to my grave... he upset me today cuz i didnt understand it wasnt the action that upset me, i could handle the action.. it was the reason behind the action that hurt... it made the dark fogginess of doubt settle into my mind like a sickness. if ur like me thinking doesnt help when doubt has clouded ur mind... u make it thicker and darker with each passing thought. but there is hope... just follow the light.

the death of love

im amazed at myself... for being so stupid.... for being so blind.... how could i not see? the one person im supposed to know like a book and ive overlooked a major detail. he will always be in my heart in fact hes too big a piece of my heart that if i shut him out i dnt think id be a person. but how do u handle such blind ignorance for so long a time? with out wanting to hate.. and hate deeply? whoevr is reading this im not going to bother telling u whats wrong... its my life and i dnt want any one in it... except maybe... him.... but what if its true? can i hold him? can i keep him loving me? my mind tells me to trust him... yet im helpless as to wat to do for him... god i want him home... hes mine and he says he loves me but how? thats wat i dnt understand... can a pseron b both? can they be more of one and not the other? this will always haunt me... tho i want to ignore it like mad... make it go away make him love me the way i thought he did.... its like being in the twilight zone and im a member of the blind, hopeful, and utterly helpless...

the solitary, depressed, and half demented

today was crazy and chaotic as usual which is good it keeps me focused on what i need to b doing... im so glad ive got work tomorrow... id go crazy at my house if i didnt. mom and i played badminton today which was fun... im a bit rusty tho i havent touched my raquet since ive started work. mayb even earlier... who knows... im so glad ive got my own room. why u ask well its simple really im a loner... and if uve been following this blog ull b thinking "wat? uve got friends and a boyfriend how can u b a loner?" i stay away from ppl as much as i can...i prefer to watch and observe then get in the middle of things... i hate being touched but when chris came into my life it was easy to learn to want hugs and kisses and little touches... but only from him everything thing else feels wrong and i dnt like it.... i know i sound crazy i want to be touched yet i dnt... well the title does say half demented right? most of the titles that look/ sound like that have either happened or describe how i feel. u figure out which is which. anyway bac to my room.. if i shared with my sister i think id go crazy enough to rip my ears off. shes good to talk to when u want to blab but otherwise she can b pushy and has an enerngizer bunny motor mouth. yeesh... blah blah blah blah blah all the time. and ppl wonder y im quiet. things at the house hav been strained. u can feel it... and yes theres a reason but i dnt feel like telling u cuz im trying to help the family cope, i deal with death in a different way... oops i guess i just kinda ruined it... o well thats the only clue u get.. whoevr the fuck u are. who evr reads these when im away.... who knows and who cares? i sure as hell dnt. so call me a bitter fuck... it wnt be anything new and i havent cared abt being nice in a long time. so it u were hoping i was gonna be miss sunshine and rainbows ur shit outta luck fuckers go to another blog im sure Little Miss Rin would take care of u and ur bloggers needs. me.... thats all i am and its all ill ever be.. dnt ask me to change cuz i sure as hell wnt do it for u and dnt push me cuz u wnt win.. evn if u think u hav i will still find a way to make life hell trust me.... i dnt take kindly to anything...so bac the fuck off... test me i dnt care a little anger helps me fight depression by giving me something to do... good bye for now...

theres a time and place for everything... now isnt one of those times..

so guess who can travel at the speed of light? well not me thats for dam sure. im so crazy busy right now that i nevr plan to do anything cuz its too much of a pain...unless it involves christopher. thats abt it. oh and work. but i like my life the way it is cuz that means that there are no stupid surprises... like ppl popping up on my door step saying hey wanna do shit? i dnt hav time and thats fine with me. like today ive got badminton yay new strings!!! then tomorrow is work... then ive got family plans wednesday and then im gone... out of town for a week up in MI... HAHA! im so excited tho i dnt want to miss work. i like working its fun and i get to talk to new ppl and i get to see amanda!!! which is cool cuz i havnt gotten a chance to talk with her since she went to college. me and her used to be best friends but shes a few years older than me and we kinda drifted when she went to high school. but watever. life happens. so i got a txt from my teddi bear saying he found bones. a jaw and a spine.. which is cool. im jelous tho ive been searching for a spine ever since i started my bone collection. ive got a lot of bones... which i might even try to make braclets out of well watever i g2g... bye bye

the slutty, shamefaced,and totally naked

ok so im not sure what my title has to do with but its funny and it makes u think. im so fucking sore... not like that... get ur mind out of the gutter... im sore cuz i had to shovel with my dad for 5 hrs yesterday. it sucked, but i did like bagging at jewel that was fun im going to like working there.... but at first i was in a total panic. but watevr. im excited!!! ive got work and i get to go to chris' parade tomorrow!! i get to see my christopher!! i cnt wait... i havent seen him in forevr and i want him i almost burst into tears to day cuz i heard some sappy song and i wanted my baby home. hes so sweet u ppl have no idea... the poor boy gets picked on all the time tho its not fair to him. wat really sucks is this comming 4th of july ive got to go on some family vacation and i kinda dnt want to i want to work... its weird... idk im also trying to convince my mom to let me go to chris' DCI thingy for band but idk.... its 3 nights in indianappolis (yea i know i suck at spelling) which is kinda harsh but wat can i do? i want to see him. man ive got a monster head ache... wtf... watevr. so my best friends bf is having some party this sunday and im not going ive got work... plus im not sure what im doing that night so watevr not my fault... more time to just relax... yay...! im such a clutz i kept getting hurt yesterday on the dig... i tore a huge chunk of skin off the side of my thumb its not pretty itll probably scar o well i also slammed a shovel into my foot twice... i know im so gracefull. XD its not my fault im a big goof... atleast chris loves me. if i didnt have him... id wither away and die... hes so much a part of my life that if he left id b no better than a house plant. but i should go ive got to deal with the tiny munchkins running around the house... yippy