Is it Halloween yet?

life kinda sucks... cocos had a seizure i might have a sinus infection i feel like crap and i still dnt have my homwork done... i really dont like math... but ill get a good grade on that quiz... which is good... me and chris had a heart to heart on his schooling and i hope he does well and is able to help support us... im so tired... its not cool... so i found another jaw bone today... of a muskrat or rodent of some kind which is really cool. chris took pics and is gonna upload them to facebook! yay!!! i cnt wait for halloween im excited!! i has my costume!!! its cute!! im nervous about the party tho.. im not used to stuff like that. but ill manage plus chris will be with me... which is always good.. well thats about all ive got to say i guess...

Warning Tickets, Birth Control, and Nosy sisters

today is not my fucking day... first i kept getting cut off on my way to school. it must have been "drive like an asswhole day" then when i get to class i learned that i failed my first ever college test... so i had to deal with that then... as im driving home not doing anything wrong i get pulled over!!! i have never been pulled over! ever. i wasnt speeding or watever... no i got pulled over cuz i dont have a front plate on my car!!! but the good thing was he was a nice guy and gave me a warning... i was ready to cry tho... and it still gets better! so i go home and tell dad but before i can tell him why he jumps down my throat and is like "you were speeding werent u?!?!" but he didnt yell at me... now my bitchy sister did. shes screaming for me as im on the phone with mom she needs a ride to practice... well ok so i get in the car and she picks up my ticket like shes god almighty and has a right to the information. i pulled it out of her hands and said "its none of ur business." i was so hacked... and now im a home and have burned my hands.... yay me...

A Dog called Dammit

thats what i want, i want a dog i can call Dammit... Coco is so old we r afraid she wnt last the week... her arthritis is so bad she can barley sit... shes my dog too and im gonna miss her, but theres already talk of getting 2 new dog when coco finally passes... i wanna name one of them Dammit... but that wont fly i dnt think... theres so much on my mind right now its hard to get all thoughts in order.. poor chris just got pulled over hes so upset he may be failing english and this job he landed at Petland sucks. that doesnt help much... im not sure what to do... i dnt want this to b a reoccuring problem he needs a degree... but he struggles but wnt tell me... i know im not the brightest but i can help... i feel as if my inside r in a pressure cooker my ribs crack under the force and my organs sizzle till they r overcooked... i keep have these nightmares but all i remember when i wake up is that im angry hurt and very lonely... theres one dream that i do remember tho.. im in a horrible cell like operating room and im screaming in pain... i beg over and over that i just want to go home i want my mom and theres blood everywhere. somethings in the room with me i can feel it crawling and dragging across the floor, my eyes r weak and i cnt turn my head no matter what i do and then i feel my ribs being forced apart very very slowly,and i just scream and cry and beg but what ever or who ever wnt listen and the last thing i see when i wake up is my mom, she looks tired and worn and i scream and scream but she wnt hear me. i hate that dream... it wnt leave me alone and the very thought of my mom now makes tears come to my eyes.. shes not sick or hurt... i just cant seem to get past this.. i have the strongest bond with her and i think im having anxiety when it comes to moving out and stuff... i guess... every time Hey Soul Sister by Train plays on the radio.. i start to cry and get really upset cuz thats moms favorite song... but i love it too... i just wish things were so dam complicated and that i wasnt so angry all the time.. i feel like im always either angry, paniced,or very stressed... never happy... well almost never... Chris makes me happy... and i like work and school... i like being in the environment which is y i guess i dnt understand why chris has such a hard time.. sure its alot but its very do-able. i think i realized that my thoughts on Erin who hasnt talked to me for weeks and yes i was very angry when i wrote my last blog but i wnt applogize i ment what i said, tho i could have been less harsh... i know i get like that... i guess im hurt and i dnt like being hurt,i feel as tho ive been abandoned but i know thats not true i push ppl away... and i dnt try to fix my mistakes cuz im a proud person with very little self confidence.. i figured that in all my attempts to bait her i was accutally trying to ellicit extreme anger... some one prove me wrong yell at me tell me im so stupid and hurtful that i dnt deserve to live, let me b the victim for once... i keep asking myself " what r u trying to do by talking to her? r u out for friendship or punishment?" i know the answer and i dnt... cuz i dnt want it to be the answer... i feel torn tho.. like im hurt and there for im angry and i want them to know it yet im HURT and i want to cry and be told that its ok mistakes happen... but what if no one is willing to forgive me... im a lunatic and theres no garentee i wnt fly off the deep end... i come from a long line of women who are like this... including my mom and aunt... if fact its more likely to happen cuz its been established that i will be allowed to simmer in my anger and left to self destructive habbits..... i have a feeling that no one cares... no one is interested in my self loathing too busy to care. either that or they hate me enough to think "ha let her die let her rot in her own filthy sickness" ive pushed ppl away and Christopher is the only one perhaps besides my mom to stick with me. idk how he does... i can be set off by the stupidest of things.. and can gentle one minute and a rabid animal the next... how can this boy, who struggles in life stay with the one person who is as dangerous and as violent as the sea...? he amazes me and i wish others cared like he did and that they didnt expect me to just suck it up and b a leader... but yet i dnt like to follow.. so what am i? do i lead do i follow? should i isolate myself??? wat am i doing?

im a bitch, whats it to ya?

ok so i need to get this off my chest.. and im not in the best of moods at the moment so i dnt really care if i offend anyone but no one fucking reads this anyway,either that or they dnt have the balls to leave comments which ever i dnt care. here is what is on my mind: My so called "Best Friend" is a douche bag!!! there i said it for all of the internet to read...i think its funny that she blocked me on facebook... which is almost sad in a way cuz thats would b the only time i see her face ever. except maybe at work but if thats the case i avoid her like the plague. and just to get the record straight. i pity her. like no tomorrow do i pity her and shed be like "excuse me? u pity me the girl whoes normally jealous of all my friends?" and id say yes, because you have all these friends yet u stick and hang on the one idiot who makes u BORING AS FUCK!!! U ONLY DO SHIT WITH HIM CUZ THE REST OF US, MAINLY ME, ARENT GOOD ENOUGH. so yes i fucking pity the bitch and its evident she really doesnt care. Amanda and i were talking the other night and i told her what was going on, its nice to have some one to talk to who cares... anywho, she saw the douche bag in the break room and asked her how i was.. well she told amanda we didnt talk anymore and Amanda was a bit taken back. and when i told amanda of the email thingy i sent to this girl she laughed cuz she knows my temper, we grew up together pretty much and my temper is legendary in their house.. hell anyone who really knows me should understand that i have crazy anger and i can hold a grudge till it kills me. i dnt like ppl with out spines, grow up and learn to fight cuz i want to beat the snot out of you and not do it with one hand...now would i really hurt someone? well that really depends on the situation and if i cared enough to keep fighting. maybe i should try to be more understanding, when me and chris started dating i pretty much ignored ppl too but no one had the guts to do anything. no one came tome and was like "uh hey stupid-fuck u wanna come do something with me? cuz at the moment ur being an asswhole" i would have been like ho shit they're right!! and i love work and school. i talk to ppl its tough but i can manage i might get a bit stressed but i know how to handle myself and chris has gotten good at getting me relaxed and calmed down. which is good otherwise i might explode... im gonna go i feel better now

Have a plan? Crap... neither do I...

So things have calmed slightly,but im a busy high strung violent girl just trying to get threw life. so Jewel gave me weird hours but thats cuz im going to MI this weekend!! so i work tomorrow and tuesday and im kinda bummed that im working at night. 6-10 then like 4 to 8 i think ive got to check... oi.. but im so happy for chris!! he gota call bac fora 2nd interview!!! he needs the money, im worried abt him... as for my school work ifi just keep at it i think ill b ok... crap its late i g2g not that anyone reads this...

Don't grow up too fast, or life will hit you in the face with a frying pan.

so my life is full of really big ups and really big downs and since i dnt really have a friend to talk to ill write it in this blog for the whole god damed world to see! hooray for lack of privacy! so i took my sister dress shopping the other day and chris went with us... and i started looking at wedding dresses kinda joking that if we are going to get married this is what i want my wedding dress to look like and he said that i should ask his mom to make the dress well that kinda threw me cuz i was like but that would be weird wouldnt it? and he was totally serious and we got talking and it turns out he really wants to get married!!!!! MARRIED... I was like really?... to me? were talking about me right? and he was totally serious and was bummed abt the fact that i didnt want to get even get engaged till 25... things change and when he said that my heart fell out of my chest and i think i kicked it down the escalator into some lady's face... i was so happy i didnt care if he proposed to me right there with a rubber band for a ring i would have said yes. he seemed excited and really wanted to plan things out so that they were perfect. i know it wnt be for a while cuz he doesnt have a job but i could be engaged by the time im 20 which kinda is really exciting.!!!but we wnt get married till we r done / nearly done with college... that will be the hard part... then yesterday i was hanging out with chris and he wasnt having the best of days and i felt bad. he was really upset of past regrets and then said something that really floored me... he said that he felt that he should regret not staying in touch with hannah, the slimy bitch who was like a past girlfriend but not really and is still totally in love with him, but that he didnt want to and i nearly burst into tears, does he still have feelings for her? he wants to get married yet regrets not staying in touch with a girl who he really liked 8... yes 8 years ago!?!?! im confused and lost and just not happy i want to love chris and spend my life with him idk wat to do... who do i talk to? who will listen? my best friend doesnt seem to exist any more and i cnt start up a conversation i dnt know wat the fuck to say... except y me?

Let the rains come, they will wash away the stains

i feel like my mood matches the weather. idk wat threw me into this funk but it did... last night i skipped class to go see Parachute perform which makes me feel guilty. its only one class i just normally dont skip. i forgot to punch in at work today... made myself feel like the biggest idiot alive thank god Sandy and Nancy were nice to me abt it saying theyd fix it... alot of things happened to me at work today. i was bagging and i saw a man dressed in a tux like he was getting married, which he was. and he looked so nervous. part of me suddenly couldnt wait to get married but i felt that if my husband to b were nervous id get upset. like weve been together for how long and ur nervous abt this? its not an extreme change ya know? thats just me.... then there was a man who came threw my line who knew very little english and i dnt think my checker understood that cuz she teased him and he didnt seem to understand. i felt bad for the man and i wanted to scream at this checker... it wasnt fair to him he didnt understand... i hate that when people make fun of me because i dont understand or i made a mistake... i dnt like doing that to other people. its wrong. im just tired and my calves kill.. i went running barefoot the other day which was fun. ive been trying to get used to my life and so far its just kicking me in the ass...