self pity is bitter sweet.

i hate feeling like this but lately its gotten worse... people have been asking me alot more often about my age... im 18 im going to be 19! but no one can tell.. every thinks im still in high school... im looked at as though im just a stupid freshman girl who's overweight and a freak.... i try not to take it personally i try my best but it still hurts... i see my friends be girly and look cute and they have lives they do thinks... and im stuck like this... but im trying to change im going to do something about my weight issue... but i still wnt be pretty.... chris keeps trying to tell me different... what do i say to that? i know how i look i know how i feel and even tho i love him to death.... it doesnt really matter what he tells me.... im just not pretty... and i have a bitch for a personality....every one tells me that when im older and everyone looks older than they really are i'll look younger... but they say that cuz they dnt know how badly it feels when everyone around you is growing up and looking their age and becomming who they are... while you are left behind. i cnt express how much pain wells up in me when i see this happen... i have issuses with abandonment... and frankly i know i shouldnt.... i didnt even know him but it always pops into my head.. saying" look they are leaving u too... he must have been right not even to bother sticking around and now they see what he knew before he even met u" and i cnt tell anyone that its bothering me i feel like i cnt or i'll hurt my dad and i dnt want that... but what do i do? i wnat to change i want to be some one important. i wasnt even supposed to exist but i got the chance... i want to take it... but im not them... who the fuck am i? who is this stupid person i keep worrying about.... ? i barley evn look like a girl... let alone feel sexy or pretty... im so sick of this, and i hate crying yet tears come anyway.. im going to bed... sleep is easy... and i dnt have to remember what i look like when i sleep...

Conversations with myself

i am a self created monster... i push people away... cuz i know i'll hurt them... i dnt know why i get so angry. i dnt know why, at the drop of a hat that i go insane im told over and over that the anger runs in my family but i dnt think so i think its just me... its just me trying to be mean trying to hurt and punish... i can see my self doing this too... i want to stop i want to run i punched the wall today till i cried... get them out of my life or i will take them down with me... is this depression this feeling of hate that courses threw my veins? this feeling of loneliness that chris doesnt even seem to fill... im fighting with doing the right thing and the wrong thing. my skin smells of rotting guilt.. get them out of my head... make them stop... whats wrong with me? fix me! make it stop,... i dont know how much longer i can hide it... dnt let them see please... please dnt let them see what i am... ive done the best i could.. right? im trying! im sick... this has to stop it will kill me or i will kill myself before it gets out of hand... the things ive written down to get them out of my head they are still there.. waiting for the chance to torment all hope is lost for me.. this cancer will not be destroyed... help me... some one help....

Is it Halloween yet?

life kinda sucks... cocos had a seizure i might have a sinus infection i feel like crap and i still dnt have my homwork done... i really dont like math... but ill get a good grade on that quiz... which is good... me and chris had a heart to heart on his schooling and i hope he does well and is able to help support us... im so tired... its not cool... so i found another jaw bone today... of a muskrat or rodent of some kind which is really cool. chris took pics and is gonna upload them to facebook! yay!!! i cnt wait for halloween im excited!! i has my costume!!! its cute!! im nervous about the party tho.. im not used to stuff like that. but ill manage plus chris will be with me... which is always good.. well thats about all ive got to say i guess...

Warning Tickets, Birth Control, and Nosy sisters

today is not my fucking day... first i kept getting cut off on my way to school. it must have been "drive like an asswhole day" then when i get to class i learned that i failed my first ever college test... so i had to deal with that then... as im driving home not doing anything wrong i get pulled over!!! i have never been pulled over! ever. i wasnt speeding or watever... no i got pulled over cuz i dont have a front plate on my car!!! but the good thing was he was a nice guy and gave me a warning... i was ready to cry tho... and it still gets better! so i go home and tell dad but before i can tell him why he jumps down my throat and is like "you were speeding werent u?!?!" but he didnt yell at me... now my bitchy sister did. shes screaming for me as im on the phone with mom she needs a ride to practice... well ok so i get in the car and she picks up my ticket like shes god almighty and has a right to the information. i pulled it out of her hands and said "its none of ur business." i was so hacked... and now im a home and have burned my hands.... yay me...

A Dog called Dammit

thats what i want, i want a dog i can call Dammit... Coco is so old we r afraid she wnt last the week... her arthritis is so bad she can barley sit... shes my dog too and im gonna miss her, but theres already talk of getting 2 new dog when coco finally passes... i wanna name one of them Dammit... but that wont fly i dnt think... theres so much on my mind right now its hard to get all thoughts in order.. poor chris just got pulled over hes so upset he may be failing english and this job he landed at Petland sucks. that doesnt help much... im not sure what to do... i dnt want this to b a reoccuring problem he needs a degree... but he struggles but wnt tell me... i know im not the brightest but i can help... i feel as if my inside r in a pressure cooker my ribs crack under the force and my organs sizzle till they r overcooked... i keep have these nightmares but all i remember when i wake up is that im angry hurt and very lonely... theres one dream that i do remember tho.. im in a horrible cell like operating room and im screaming in pain... i beg over and over that i just want to go home i want my mom and theres blood everywhere. somethings in the room with me i can feel it crawling and dragging across the floor, my eyes r weak and i cnt turn my head no matter what i do and then i feel my ribs being forced apart very very slowly,and i just scream and cry and beg but what ever or who ever wnt listen and the last thing i see when i wake up is my mom, she looks tired and worn and i scream and scream but she wnt hear me. i hate that dream... it wnt leave me alone and the very thought of my mom now makes tears come to my eyes.. shes not sick or hurt... i just cant seem to get past this.. i have the strongest bond with her and i think im having anxiety when it comes to moving out and stuff... i guess... every time Hey Soul Sister by Train plays on the radio.. i start to cry and get really upset cuz thats moms favorite song... but i love it too... i just wish things were so dam complicated and that i wasnt so angry all the time.. i feel like im always either angry, paniced,or very stressed... never happy... well almost never... Chris makes me happy... and i like work and school... i like being in the environment which is y i guess i dnt understand why chris has such a hard time.. sure its alot but its very do-able. i think i realized that my thoughts on Erin who hasnt talked to me for weeks and yes i was very angry when i wrote my last blog but i wnt applogize i ment what i said, tho i could have been less harsh... i know i get like that... i guess im hurt and i dnt like being hurt,i feel as tho ive been abandoned but i know thats not true i push ppl away... and i dnt try to fix my mistakes cuz im a proud person with very little self confidence.. i figured that in all my attempts to bait her i was accutally trying to ellicit extreme anger... some one prove me wrong yell at me tell me im so stupid and hurtful that i dnt deserve to live, let me b the victim for once... i keep asking myself " what r u trying to do by talking to her? r u out for friendship or punishment?" i know the answer and i dnt... cuz i dnt want it to be the answer... i feel torn tho.. like im hurt and there for im angry and i want them to know it yet im HURT and i want to cry and be told that its ok mistakes happen... but what if no one is willing to forgive me... im a lunatic and theres no garentee i wnt fly off the deep end... i come from a long line of women who are like this... including my mom and aunt... if fact its more likely to happen cuz its been established that i will be allowed to simmer in my anger and left to self destructive habbits..... i have a feeling that no one cares... no one is interested in my self loathing too busy to care. either that or they hate me enough to think "ha let her die let her rot in her own filthy sickness" ive pushed ppl away and Christopher is the only one perhaps besides my mom to stick with me. idk how he does... i can be set off by the stupidest of things.. and can gentle one minute and a rabid animal the next... how can this boy, who struggles in life stay with the one person who is as dangerous and as violent as the sea...? he amazes me and i wish others cared like he did and that they didnt expect me to just suck it up and b a leader... but yet i dnt like to follow.. so what am i? do i lead do i follow? should i isolate myself??? wat am i doing?

im a bitch, whats it to ya?

ok so i need to get this off my chest.. and im not in the best of moods at the moment so i dnt really care if i offend anyone but no one fucking reads this anyway,either that or they dnt have the balls to leave comments which ever i dnt care. here is what is on my mind: My so called "Best Friend" is a douche bag!!! there i said it for all of the internet to read...i think its funny that she blocked me on facebook... which is almost sad in a way cuz thats would b the only time i see her face ever. except maybe at work but if thats the case i avoid her like the plague. and just to get the record straight. i pity her. like no tomorrow do i pity her and shed be like "excuse me? u pity me the girl whoes normally jealous of all my friends?" and id say yes, because you have all these friends yet u stick and hang on the one idiot who makes u BORING AS FUCK!!! U ONLY DO SHIT WITH HIM CUZ THE REST OF US, MAINLY ME, ARENT GOOD ENOUGH. so yes i fucking pity the bitch and its evident she really doesnt care. Amanda and i were talking the other night and i told her what was going on, its nice to have some one to talk to who cares... anywho, she saw the douche bag in the break room and asked her how i was.. well she told amanda we didnt talk anymore and Amanda was a bit taken back. and when i told amanda of the email thingy i sent to this girl she laughed cuz she knows my temper, we grew up together pretty much and my temper is legendary in their house.. hell anyone who really knows me should understand that i have crazy anger and i can hold a grudge till it kills me. i dnt like ppl with out spines, grow up and learn to fight cuz i want to beat the snot out of you and not do it with one hand...now would i really hurt someone? well that really depends on the situation and if i cared enough to keep fighting. maybe i should try to be more understanding, when me and chris started dating i pretty much ignored ppl too but no one had the guts to do anything. no one came tome and was like "uh hey stupid-fuck u wanna come do something with me? cuz at the moment ur being an asswhole" i would have been like ho shit they're right!! and i love work and school. i talk to ppl its tough but i can manage i might get a bit stressed but i know how to handle myself and chris has gotten good at getting me relaxed and calmed down. which is good otherwise i might explode... im gonna go i feel better now

Have a plan? Crap... neither do I...

So things have calmed slightly,but im a busy high strung violent girl just trying to get threw life. so Jewel gave me weird hours but thats cuz im going to MI this weekend!! so i work tomorrow and tuesday and im kinda bummed that im working at night. 6-10 then like 4 to 8 i think ive got to check... oi.. but im so happy for chris!! he gota call bac fora 2nd interview!!! he needs the money, im worried abt him... as for my school work ifi just keep at it i think ill b ok... crap its late i g2g not that anyone reads this...